Chasing Butterflies: My ADHD Story Through Early Childhood’s Lens

I recall sitting in my Christian preschool classroom when I was four. The class was reciting Bible verses with song and I remember the teacher trying to get my attention multiple times as she tried to call on me for my turn. I believe I was watching the clock ticking or something, but still mentally nowhere near the rest of them. Every other child watched me, likely hoping that I would hurry up so that they could take their turn. My response to whatever she asked me to read out was simply, “I don’t know”.

I never did learn how to look up Bible verses.

I was also behind socially with my peers. I remember chasing butterflies as far away from the other kids as possible and observing them from afar as they climbed around on the play equipment. I wanted so badly to interact with them but it never really felt “right” when I tried. I found it very hard to make friends and kept to my books instead, even preferring to spend recess with my nose in them. English has always been a fascination to me. I was fluent in reading at this time. I was also already learning to write in cursive at this time.

A few years later, I met a teacher I could not get along with. My 2nd-grade teacher would make fun of her students who did not understand concepts by embarrassing them in the front of the room. She also refused to let me pace myself ahead of other students (by the age of eight I had discovered that if I did not do the homework during the class, I would forget it once I got home). I recall this woman taking my completed homework sheet from me and throwing it away; giving me a blank one in return and the phrase:

“We will do this as a class”.

I found myself purposely rebelling against this teacher. Up until this point, I am told I had a perfect classroom behavior track. I even had a very supportive teacher the previous year who understood and accepted my weird homework ritual during lunch. She even encouraged me to read the more difficult books and I thrived in that environment.

However, my 2nd-grade teacher limited my reading availability with a comprehension-based scale where everyone started at the bottom and had to “earn” their way to the top. Reading had become my distraction, as fidgets hadn’t become possible at this time. (Remember, I was a girl with good grades so I couldn’t have ADHD)

After multiple interactions like this with my 2nd-grade teacher, I began to refuse any of her requests and completely rejected her as an authority figure. My parents would have weekly conferences about my behavior toward this woman despite my report card always saying that I was “a joy to have in class”.

Eventually, my parents moved to have me tested to skip that grade entirely due to these issues, but I recall getting bored and distracted throughout, unable to concentrate. I was not allowed to skip the 2nd grade based on these results and have many memories embedded from that long year.

After this time passed, I was assigned a teacher who was much more open to my odd habits. I am told that my behavior went back to how it had been before and my grades soared again.

As I reflect without any real grudges held for that period, I still see that version in me as I go on throughout my day. The “social justice warrior” in me wants to save every person I can and embrace inclusion. I continued to battle depression, imposter syndrome, and the sometimes overwhelming feeling that something was wrong with me.

Since then, I have learned to build different habits. I have grown to know myself more throughout the years, and I have grown to know what I am not. I eventually accepted that I would not think like or fit in with the mainstream crowd. This acceptance also brought about my belief that it’s not a bad thing.

Even at my job today, I am considered hard to understand. But I am also unique in how I can go about solving issues with solutions no one has considered or how my brain is typically five steps ahead of whoever I am having a conversation with. Whether it be the routines, the meditations, or the random hyper-fixations, I am always trying to be one step ahead of my brain. I am always trying to outsmart myself before my brain can find the loopholes in my To-Do lists that would lead to me scrolling TikTok for 5 hours straight.

Looking back, so many things from my childhood make sense now that I know myself. The little quirks I have that are now explained. The validation wave that came when I learned that others function this way washed away a lot of the stress and helped me let go of the idea that I was broken in some way.

Logically, eight-year-old me had no business being the judge, jury, and executioner of some woman who was in her 60s at the time and a product of her generation but 23-year-old me still feels the desire to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. Honestly, part of my success is that I still love myself enough to speak up for me too.